I forgot
by Cero Morrigan
Summary: He forgot what the mask looked like


Disclaimer- Nope, still don't own GW. If you think I do, why would I be writing fan fiction? It belongs to big corporate guys who have money. And I am neither big, corporate nor have money.

Dedicated to my best friend and sister. You know who you are.

This was written when I was in one of my moods. Not the usual happy giggly thing I'm more likely to write. It may be a two parter, or more, if you like it. If you like it, review. If you hate it, review. I love reviews.

I forgot. I forgot the real him. Or maybe I just took advantage of the real him. I forgot how long it took me to get inside his defenses. I forgot the power he hides with in himself. The strength he rarely shows. I just forgot.

I forgot the happiness that was always evident. The get up and go because nothings as bad as it seems, right now. I forgot the way he seemed to always see the best in every situation. The silver lining that every cloud has is all he really sees

I forgot what it was like, to be on the receiving end of the cheerful grin he shows the world. At the worst, he's got the grin. At the best? He'll grin. I forgot that no matter what he'll smile at the world, while inwardly dieing with each second.

I forgot the chatter that drives a person batty. I forgot the inanity of everything that he speaks of. Never anything to do with him directly. Ask him how his day was, and he'll tell you about what happened to someone else. He won't tell you how he is. He sometimes might tell you what he did. However, that doesn't count, not really.

I forgot that his emotions don't matter. That everyone he lets close enough to where they might will leave. That eventually, Death is the only thing that stays. That won't desert him. Friends come and go. Usually right when you need them most, they backstab you by leaving. Never does one stay. Never has one stayed, never will one stay. It doesn't matter to him.

I forgot the laugh, loud and long that he lets loose often. The laugh at death, the chortle at life. I forgot how people respond by laughing with him. Or laughing at him. He never minded that. As long as they found joy, who cared if he played the clown? Never an insecure bone in his body. He wouldn't know the definition. "Insecure? Is that a French dish? Sounds inedible." I forgot how he'd say that, to get a laugh. And when they did laugh, he'd get a self satisfied smirk. Saying that he laughed at the inevitability of it all. I forgot that irritating look.

I forgot the way he would prank people, just to get a rise out of them. I forgot the way he would needle someone, just long enough to get them royally pissed, the shoot them a 'you're not dead yet' look when they tried to lecture him.

I forgot because that wasn't him. I forgot that that was the face he showed the world, because I got to see behind the mask. I saw the different faces he wore. The clown, the laugher, the amazing adrenaline junky pilot. They were just masks, to be put on and taken off just as easily. I saw the real him.

Or maybe, he let me see the real him. It doesn't matter. All that matters were the him with defenses lowered. The mad hatter without the tea party. The jester outside the court. The demolitions expert without the bombs.

I don't know why he decided to let me in on the secret. I don't remember when he decided to show his true face. It wasn't some epiphany moment, where he just said, 'I'm lowering my defense'. It was a process. Stripping each layer, one more vulnerable than the last. To finally find out that he's human, just like the rest of us.

I saw the expressionless expression. When he's too tired to continue smiling. When he just doesn't feel like it. I remember the frown when something upset him. I've still never seen him cry, but I've seen the utter defeat. I saw the fact that he doesn't show emotion when he truly cares. That he keeps it locked inside, to savor for himself. As if, if he lets it out, it will be used against him later. Taken away from him somehow. Someway.

I saw the emotions coursing through him. I remember the sigh of sorrow, of depression, at the end of a long day. He let me see the toll the world had taken on him. That he longed for someone to lighten the load, a partner to share the burden. Grief halved is grief lightened, but he could entrust it to no one. It hurt him. Grief for every life lost, by his hand or another. Grief for innocence long gone. Grief for dreams forgotten. For faith destroyed. I saw that

I heard the long silences. The time just spent being with someone, without the baggage of filling the air with the sound of his own voice. I heard the philosophical discussions we had. I heard the directness of his speech. I loved to listen to the stories of his day, passionate recitals of what irritated or delighted him.

I felt the emotions that were his. The joy in the small things. The way he would get self-centered, me, me, me days. The way he would get pissed and try to get me pissed, just for a fight. The way he was passionate about things that interested him. The way he was needy for affection. A hug could brighten his day just because it proved you cared about him.

I watched the silent laugh that truly was his. He didn't laugh loud and hard. That wasn't him. The shy chuckle behind a hand: that was his style. I knew of his insecurity with people, that they'd talk behind his back, and decide he was worthless. That inevitably we cannot rise above what we were born.

I forgot, and now I have to remember again. I took it for granted that he wouldn't put the layers back on. I pushed too hard, and the castle came crashing down. I knew his weaknesses and I used them. I sent him on an emotional rollercoaster, and it crashed. I took for granted the fact that what we had was unbreakable, and bent it so far it broke.

It wasn't all at once. Just a dig here, a comment there. A missed expression because I wasn't looking. A brush off of an important event for him. A tease when I knew he was sick of it. Little by little I pushed and prodded, teased and took, and the masks came back on.

I remember it all now, and I'd like to forget it again. I see the way he grins when he sees me, the laughter at the little things, the inane conversation.

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